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Quest 4: The Unwed Mother
From Malbeca’s wine-ring stained journal: The Unwed Mother was a bed and breakfast with great Yelp reviews; people check in and seem to like it so much they never check out. We strolled along the beach where Wally and his wife Hope checked out a nearby tomb and came up short. When we got to the run down - but stately - Unwed Mother, the only sign of occupancy was a light in a second story window. The four of us walked in and found it empty with a fountain in the middle of the courtyard. Gap coated Murf in rock salt to buff his defense since we were such a small party. We pretty quickly came across a tool shed with zombies in it; one of which Murf shamed with a stern pointing-to. Wally and Hope lifted up the cabinet and smashed the zombies. I explored and found some googly-eye souvenirs, and Gap found a handy pitchfork on the tool rack. The door slammed shut behind us so we continued on into a bathroom with two shit oozes. I put a piece of cloth on the end of my staff in order to wipe them up, and thinking it would work better from a higher vantage point, hopped on the toilet – and immediately fell through it into a sewage canal. Wally switched places with me, and I felt my body moving on its own as he astral projected into me to kill one of the shamed shit oozes. While down there, he dove for gold, mouth open, and grabbed it with his teeth. Gap parlayed the last shit ooze who gave him a massive, valuable carpet that also slowed his speed. I hopped back down into the shit canal and made my way up the plumbing where a Chaos Warrior was taking a dump. I immediately used my premade gigantic q-tip and swabbed his butthole. Murf followed behind me and failed a riddle. Apparently “What the hell kind of question is that?” is the wrong answer to “What is brown and goes to town?” Wally followed behind, torch still lit. Gap, already covered in shit carpet, tried to take the high road and walked through the walls, accidentally passing through a room full of corpses on his way. Murf finished off the Chaos Warrior by driving his shit covered sword through a gap in the armor, and tells the CW that he “hopes you feel really shitty.” I search for treasure and get hit with a hazard. Murf opened the bathroom door to find a line of gobbos waiting their turn, and shamed them for having gobbo porn. Wally threw his torch at the Playgobbo and ignited it along with the gobbo. Gap found a secret door to a room with two treasure chests, and I enter it and immediately throw Alchemist Fire at the zombie and two crab friends, incinerating them all and leaving pale outlines on the wall behind them. Murf found two traps in the room, one of which is a chest. Wally opened one of the chests with an ogre bladder of Fairy Fart Wine inside. Gap left the room and lazily incinerated a gobbo in the hall, and then heard the cry of a Sea Wolf, inspiring a potential new name for this B&B once we take ownership of it. I searched for treasure and instead find a crab who hurt me. Murf kicks open the trapped chest and found 20 bottles of 2 Buck Chuck, while Gap killed the crab. I took a quick breather to heal, and as Murf tried to follow us into the hallway he was covered in crab cum. Wally prepared and fed me a nice crab platter with butter and lemon to heal, and Gap ran to look into an office by busting out a window, and was subsequently clambushed. I searched the office for traps while Murf took a quick nap on the desk to heal. Wally searched the ledger and found a list of members of an undead army made up of eight former tourists and employees, and noticed our classes listed in wet ink. Gap searched the bookshelf and found a past due bill for 400 gold against the property, and a scroll. I try to run through a trap but an axe swung from the ceiling and hit both Gap and I. This woke up Murf, who goes ahead through the door to find a Chaos Warrior converting a bed into a torture rack, and shamed him. Wally polymorphed the other Chaos Warrior into a statue with its pants down, and Gap attacked it. I opened the chest next to the axe trap and wally found a crab in some bedding in the corner. The Chaos Warrior came to in a room alone filled with us, and immediately attacked Gap and missed. Gap retaliated for damage, and I tried to attack while surrounded by allies but missed! Murf opened the door to another chamber with a Chaos Sorcerer, and Wally left him a one star review. Murf chucked his magic dagger at a skeleton and ran into the room to cast Dragon’s Breath: “FIRE FOR FIRE, BLOOD FOR BLOOD!” Wally summoned a banana peel while Murf was overwhelmed by skellies. I’m attacked by the Chaos Warrior, and retaliate, slaying him. Murf stomped across the chamber and killed the Sorcerer as the rest of us wiped out the skellies and mummies. He parlayed with one of them and traded helmets. Wally rushed in and opened a chest with an erotica novella about mating with maidenheads in a shipwreck. Gap found the kitchen, sounding an alarm to notify a staff room of skelly waiters to come do their jobs. I searched and found the GUESTBOOKINOMICON – a book of future reservations made by various demons and other bad dudes. Wally searched and found a Bone Wand, giving him dominion over skeletons, turning them on one another. After crushing the skellies, Murf headed down the vine ladder back to the court yard, and Wally found a staff while Gap looted the kitchen. We all descended back to the first floor with dreams of capitalistic enterprise and hospitality in our future.